RJN on "The Call to Marriage"

We Graduated!

No, we don't have our PhD's yet, but we have been officially "Cana-ized!" Participating in our church's Pre-Cana program (supervised and taught by the indefatigable Peter McFadden) was really an eye-opening experience for the two of us. On the one hand, it was a relief to learn all the stuff we're concerned about (finances, household responsibilities, etc.) are pretty much the same worries everyone else has (I know, big revelation; hey, I think a little solipsism is inevitable in this process...); on the other hand, it was also comforting to realize that the ideal of two people who just come together magically and then experience an utterly problem-free existence forever after is something rarely (if ever) actually realized. Marriage, like any great human endeavor, takes work; without the requisite virtues (natural and SUPERnatural), it just ain't gonna be good. As Dr. Clemens points out in his book:

In the best of marriages some differences or misunderstandings occur. Even the just St. Joseph misunderstood Our Lady's pregnancy! However, differences are not as important as the way in which partners react to them. Less real harm is done by misunderstandings than by the way in which they are handled. Successful partnership is not due to the absence of differences but to the ability of the couple to resolve them. (pg. 159)

That's why Mr. McFadden so strongly urges couples to develop strong daily habits of connection/affection in their relationships; even a simple thing like a brief nightly dance with one's spouse (Mr. McFadden's "habit of choice" with his wife) can end up being crucial in holding a marriage together when tough times hit. As a parting gift, Mr. McFadden gave each of us little "5:1" postcards, reminding us of what level we should always try to keep the ratio of positive to negative moments in our relationship (not always an easy task as some of you may know!). All in all it was a really useful and positive experience for the two of us; any couple looking for some good, solid tactics on how to forge a strong & lasting marriage could do no better than Mr. McFadden's program.

Blast from the Ecclesiastical Past: Marriage as Vocation

(Dan Writing) Whilst I was snooping around the bookshelf in my office at St. Francis College in Brooklyn Heights the other day, I happened upon an interesting little volume apparently discarded by the school's library. Titled Marriage and the Family: An Integrated Approach for Catholics, this neat little work crams in some rather generous amounts of theology, philosophy, and sociology in between its covers, all in an attempt (it would seem) to be a basic "marriage handbook" for the average, decently-educated American Catholic of its day.

And what a "day" that was! The book received its imprimatur in January 1956 - a full 6 years before the start of the Second Vatican Council - thus it completely avoided the infamy of being published during or after the general wackiness that sadly dominated American Catholicism in the years following the council (of course it goes without saying that this reaction was completely out of proportion to what the council documents themselves actually stated). Refreshingly free of this nutty postconciliar zeitgeist, the book cogently presents a thoroughly orthodox and sane look at both the blessings and the challenges of Christian married life; the book's author, a Mr. Alphonse H. Clemens, was apparently for some time the director of the Marriage Counseling Center at the Catholic University of America in Washington, DC (where he was also a professor of sociology), and his writing clearly demonstrates a deep sympathy of and sensitivity to the various problems that can plague Catholic married life in the modern world. However this sensitivity is, at the same time, paired with a firm commitment to refrain from watering down the Church's moral & spiritual doctrines regarding the marital bond. Sacramental marriage, as Prof. Clemens correctly points out, is a vocation and, like all vocations, it will inevitably demand sacrifices of those who are called to it. As Prof. Clemens writes, marriage "is a call to the higher realms of spirituality...

Christian marriage is a source of great holiness, a most effective means of advancing in spiritual perfection to the sublime height of heroic sanctity. Few couples as they walk down the aisle on their wedding day seem conscious of this call to a higher life. No priest, brother, or nun on the day of his ordination or taking of vows would fail to sense this fact; but many, if not most, couples do. And marriage is a state conducive to holiness, not in spite of, but precisely because of the circumstances of married life. Were this known more widely, doubtless many would advance in holiness more quickly and would appreciate their vocation more fully. (pg. 34)

Good stuff! I'll probably be posting some more enlightening excerpts in the near future!